We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
