your thong is hanging out like whoa
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
