my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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