My sheets look like a crime scene.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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