I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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