Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
