Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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