I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
