everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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