Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've blown a few things in my day
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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