the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
