My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
