why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
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Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
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And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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