I want to make a zoo with you.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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