I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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