I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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