No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.