I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
