U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
