Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
