sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
