She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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