I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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