I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
