fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
