my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
