I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
