Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
