The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
