She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos