he was CRYING into my vagina
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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