feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
