Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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