who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
