Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
