Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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