I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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