Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
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I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
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It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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