Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
