Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
