Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
