can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
