It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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