We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
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STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
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I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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