Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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