he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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