Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
