I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
