Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
