There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just found puke in my bra..
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We need a shit load of segways right now
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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