Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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