I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
