my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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