he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
did i walk over a car last night?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
where are my eyebrows?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
