You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
