only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
